I was not able to breastfeed...

[JCsMomma]

ok ladies.. this is an extremely difficult topic for me.. but I feel like you all will understand and won't give me a hard time.. and I also feel that it is time to let go of it..
ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. When I was 16, my dr told me I would never have children due to various health problems I had. Needless to say, I was devastated. After I got married, I started to attend a church that taught on healing. In a class one morning, a woman shared a scripture with me from Exodus saying that your womb will no longer be barren. She didn't even know me! Long story short, despite of what the drs said and many other things.. I gave birth to Joshua almost a year to the day after that encounter!
I wanted to breastfeed my babies sooo badly. I had a c-section because of a full placenta previa, chronic hypertension and gestational diabetes. Josh was in the NICU for a week.. 4 days went by before he was able to take anything by mouth due to breathing issues. He was fed intraveniously (sp). We had a hard time with positioning and him latching on.. I tried every 2 hours with him in the hospital.. and after 2 1/2 days when he lost more weight we went ahead and gave him formula.
But I still tried to nurse as well.... I was up every 2 hours for nearly a month nursing him or trying to pump. The most I ever was able to get was 15ml. I was exhausted. I was separated from my husband at the time and he was in New Jersey while I was in Florida. I was living with my mom and she was working full time. Josh was an extremely collicky baby.. so I was a wreck! I cried all of the time and felt like such a failure. I feel like I let him down.. Other moms would berate me for formula feeding when it wasn't the "right" way. The leche league was no help and the lactation department at the hospital kept losing my number.. they finally called me 4 months after I returned the pump I rented from them to see how we were doing...
to this day I still get teary eyed when I think of or see other mom's who were able to experience this wonderful part of being a mommy..
After all of this.. when my husband and I were reconciling and we were going to have Christopher.. I made the decision to not even go there again. It was too overwhelming and painful. I must admit that there are times.. even thought I know it is not true and it is a bunch of lies.. that somehow I have failed my babies..
when I needed my body to nourish my children, it failed me.
How do I get past this once and for all?
Wow.. I had no intention of going here at all tonight so I am sorry it is so heavy.. but it must be time to deal with it...
thank you in advance for your insight...

[Mom2boys]

Cherise,
First of all, I love you!! I'm sending some cyber hugs your way. God provided the perfect mamma for your boys . You are it. No one can do it better than you. You know all this because it's what you teach other women.

Just like I believe that God uses man to heal people (ie allopathic docs or naturopaths like me), I also believe that He makes options available when you just can't bf. Not every person is created able to bf just like not every woman is created to grow babies in their womb. Some of us will get cancer, some of us will be born not able to walk etc, etc, but He uses us all. How about the parent that is deaf and mute and is not able to teach their child to talk and the child learns to speak by immitating others who can talk. Has that parent failed? No, because the parent made a WAY for that child to learn to talk just like you made a way for your child to eat.

You are a good Mom and you did fine. Let it go. Wow, I got off on a tangent. I hope it helped you.
T

[Carmen]

hug

Ditto what Tina said.

[DaiseyMama]

What a beautiful, miraculous, knock my socks off story about how God provided you with Children, even after you were told you would not have any!!!!!! I had tears running down my cheeks after reading that.

I send you huugs too. Just think....how many moms are on a health board learning, teaching, or gleaning information on nutirition and even TRY to make a stab at establishing their children on healthy diets?? Not Many! And yet you are. I think that shows what incredible heart you have for your children, and what wisdom is stored up in you to bless and minister to their lives and bodies with.

There is a family who lives next door to me. Her daughter is only 9 years old and has been through terrible rounds of Chemo twice for cancer...and still the mom chain smokes in her house, feeds her daughter the most empty horrible foods, and lets her feast on sugar all day long. To me, This is a mother without wisdom and revelation and a heart to lead and feed her children in the right way.

But not a story like yours. You've done all you can for your precious little angels...and are continuing to allow God to build them up through the means He provides for you...

I have some regrets too...but we make up for them by pressing onward into what is of the Lord. Sounds like you are doing exactly that.....and I know that God dances in delight about you for that.....and loves it that you are their mom....
Many huugs.....and May God's reassuring and comforting presence embrace you all day long today....

-Daisey

[JCsMomma]

I am completely overwhelmed. Thank you.. thank you. It seems like I know through this in cycles. I will be fine for a while and then all of a sudden BAM! It gets easier each time... I appreciate all of the support and encouragement.. and Tina, you are right.. it is something that I am teaching to other parents.. and I thought I had this one too! I will just keep giving this to the Lord... and remembering all of what you have so kindly reminded me of.. that I am the best momma for these monkeys! thank you...

[Tynes]

Hey, I just wanted to tell you I wasn't able to breast feed either. I know how painful it is to try so hard. The third day I finally gave him a bottle, I cried from disappointment and relief that he was finally eating. I kept trying for two months but he wouldn't latch on. The day we left the hospital they made me watch a video talking about how simple it was to breastfeed, and i felt like I was a total failure, but Owen is a very healthy child, and I know I did the best I could. hug

[stackeyha]

Tynes...I'm so sorry that you were unable to breastfeed and HOW irritating that you were made to feel inadequate by the very people who should have been saying, try this, try this, try this...AAAARRRGH!

I've been blessed with a lactation consultant Auntie who says and I quote, "Not every one can breastfeed and not every baby knows how...most especially nowadays"...

I'll also tell you that my first baby seemed born to know what to do...I swear she had a flip top head...opened right up, latched right on and WAY on...you know like the kids in those movies they show you. After that I figured I had it nailed...but with my second she didn't know how to latch and I didn't know how to teach her because my first had known what to do. We were several weeks of pitiful cracked and bleeding on my part and not getting enough food on her part. I spent hours on the phone and a while on my aunt's website trying to figure out what on earth to do before I finally figured a few things out.

Just to say, you never know it could be better next time...but the best you can do is the best you can do.

JCsMomma...you DID NOT fail your babies...you ARE NOT failing your babies...that's the enemy talking...push him away...

Praying for you.